I’m really struggling with the post for this week. I’m not sure what to write. I am having a hard time thinking and am feeling more depressed and agitated. I don’t know if what I have to say has any value for people. I want to be able to help uplift and inspire people. I’m not feeling uplifted and inspired right now, but I know that God loves me, is mindful of me, and that I can count on him.
Here is the ketamine journal entry that I have chosen to share this week. I will comment on it after the entry.
8/28/25
Intention: Show me the pathway to peace.
The last few treatments, it has been like I go to the worst hell possible, but it doesn’t last very long. I don’t know what it means or if I am afraid of it or just afraid of suffering in general or what.
I remember seeing the balloon about to burst again, but this time it was as if someone else was there with a pin, and they said, “Let’s just pop it now.”
At some point, I felt like the spirit left me, and things were just dark and confusing, and I prayed for the spirit, and it came back, and things were more light and peaceful.
I remember something about needing/wanting to be the very best at something. Afterwards, I was thinking I don’t want to be the very best. I am fine. Then the impression came that it is not about a competition but about being capable of being in service and being the best tool possible.
~ Remember, I am being refined in order to be in service to Jesus Christ and others.
Commentary on ketamine journal entry:
There is often the imagery and impression of a bubble or balloon filled and about to burst in my ketamine treatments. It is usually filled with light, and I have the impression that it represents the amount of suffering that I need to endure to become something or reach a specific level of refinement. While I don’t know exactly what these impressions mean, I know that suffering refines us and that there is great purpose in my suffering. I want to be the best tool possible in the hands of God.
While I don’t think the spirit actually left me (it is a constant companion), we do feel the spirit differently at different times. It could not communicate with us if we felt it the same way all of the time. The ebbing and flowing of the degree to which we feel the spirit can warn us and teach us what is true and what is not. In this instance, I believe I was being taught to recognize what the spirit feels like in my ketamine experience, because it can be difficult to recognize when it is always there.